i wish starbucks made bloody marys
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
