I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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