I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
