Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
