dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
