When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
