i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
