I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
