Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
