Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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