Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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