one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Ketchup is God's man juice
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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