I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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