look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
