You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
we're so committed to being not committed
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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