i just sent this text using only my big toe
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
