i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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