the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
