He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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