Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
