i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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