He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
