Who wears a wallet chain?!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
