She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
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chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
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Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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