I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
