Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
