I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
