I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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