He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
