Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".