i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad