I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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