I hate your face
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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