Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
