I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
