Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
