Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize