I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
