her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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