she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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