why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
