I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I want to make a zoo with you.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
