Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
