I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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