I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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