SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
