I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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