if you like me you must not know who I am
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
