I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
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Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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