I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
