Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
