i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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