remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
