it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i wish my penis had a tongue
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
