Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
