i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Randomize
