I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
