I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
