Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
