I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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