i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I can't turn off my feet"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
