if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
