I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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