it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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